24 beers in 24 hours...almost

Paul Newman day. What a great day it is, in honor of something famous that he once may have said perhaps, we take it upon ourselves to drink twenty four beers in twenty four hours. A true test of drinking endurance, pacing, stamina and tolerance. Indeed a true of test of manliness. The kind of challenge Flanders relishes and lives for.

At the beginning of the week, I had informed Flanders that I wanted to start the day off by shotgunning on top of Mt. D at sunrise, to mark the beginning of a day of debauchery. Overcome by sleepless nights of work, I backed down from the idea, but Flanders remained set on it, and started his Newman Day by hiking to the top of Mt. D. early (just after sunrise) and shotgunning a beer... by himself. He then came back to the room and proceeded with the drinking while playing chess against an electronic opponent. On Newman Day we keep track of our beers on our arms, and by lunchtime Flanders had eight marks on his left arm, and another five on his right arm, indicating the number of times he'd used the bathroom.

By lunch things were already a little bit out of hand. Flanders spilled a bit on the way to lunch and during lunch itself, but for the most part kept himself mostly in control. After lunch we went to go help to outing club cut the hole in the puddle for the annual puddle jump. Flanders continued to gas beers during this time, and for the safety of all those involved we left him to push ice blocks far away from the hole in the hopes that he wouldn't fall in. After the puddle jump naked, flanders went back to watch and proceeded to drink quite a few more beers, often within direct proximity and visibility of mutliple deans and faculty members.

After the puddle jump we went back to the circus to play some foosball before dinner. In addition to playing terribly, by the end of this period, Flanders had had twenty beers. This is where things began to get interesting. On the way from the circus to commons we took great amusement in watching flanders stumble from one side of the street to the other, falling into snowbanks no less than six times. outside of the science center we saw the astronomy professor, observing the moon through his telescope. Intrigued we decided we wanted to go take a look. When the professor saw flanders he said, "This child smells of the drink. I think he's had a few too many. Somebody should take him to a quiet place and sit him down so that he can recover." Flanders then tried to strike up a conversation with the professor about mars rovers or something and then decided he wanted to take a look in the telescope. He leaned but in his drunkenness missed and instead smoked his head on the eyepiece of the telescope, he was lucky to have not knocked the telescope over. He wished the professor good evening and teetered off towards commons. He leaned over and whispered "I fucking wasn't able to see shit through that thing". We know buddy, we know.

Dinner was a shitshow for everyone involved. At this point things got hazy enough that I don't remember everything, but I've been able to piece together the details. Flanders was still drinking beers out of his Nalgene. Halfway through dinner he spilled out a large quantity of the Nalgene and then had nothing left do drink. One of our friends arrived to dinner and Flanders greeted him by grabbing his balls and grunting, "where is it?" He later tried to legitimize this action by explaining that someone had stolen his belt, and so he was trying to grab the kids belt and missed in his drunkenness. The reality of the story is that Flanders actually was still wearing his belt.
Next Flanders decided he was hungry. He went to the pizza and starting grabbing entire slices of pizza with his hands and stuff them into his mouth. Evidently, the entire slice wouldn't fit in his mouth so most of the pizza ended up on his shirt. soon his shirt was covered in tomato sauce and assorted pizza debris. One girl decided she wanted some pizza, bravely asked flanders if that was ok, and when he turned to address her, she decided she would probably prefer eating something else than dealing with this saucy drunk.
sometime after this last event, flanders disappeared, we had no idea where he was for the two hours following dinner. We later learned that on his way out of commons he decided he had to pee. He went into the restroom to discover that the urinal was occupied. Unwilling to wait, Flanders ripped the poor startled kid off of the urinal, screaming "Get out of the way" and then relieving himself. Afterwards, we believe that he went to the basketball game for a while but no one is certain. Also we heard a rumor that a long haired weirdo was seen running naked around campus. Sure sounds like the man we know and love.
We finally found him at the circus, passed out on the couch clutching a half finished beer. When we woke him up, he was so startled that he spilled the rest of the beer over himself. He proceeded to go back to sleep and thus ended his Newman Day. 21 beers in under 20 hours, still impressive Flanders, but next time pacing yourself might work. Nevertheless we owe you this story, so thanks I guess. Easy bud.

Updates from first semester

First semester was a little mellower for the Flanman because he was working hard to finish his thesis. Sure he still drank a lot, but almost inavariably, he would pass out due to lack of sleep before anything hilarious could happen. The week in which he finished his thesis he finally us gave the entertainment we'd been craving. Immediately after turning it in he began to pound beers...by himself. After dinner we went to play some foosball in the circus, and he was already quite inebriated. After a few rounds of foos in which he played terribly, the rest of us left him to go do work, and a rather wasted flanders was left by himself in the circus. He stumbled into the room next door where rodeo was working on a play. After berating her with his high opinion of theater, he decided to try to read some of the play's line in character. The passage he read was supposed to be read tonelessly but in his stupor flanders misinterpreted it as toothlessly. His subsequent reading of an entire passage of the play toothlessly was, as I've been made to understand, one of the funniest things he's ever done, which is high praise for flanders.
The following weekend, the team had a party to celebrate the end of the semester and season. And what would a team party without plenty of o-whip to go around, three jugs worth actually. After passed around nearly a jug and a half worth of whip, flanders tricked a kid into playing rock-paper-scissors drink. Though he lost he told the kid to drink anyways, and the kid agreed saying alright, i'll take a swig if you finish the rest of the jug afterwards. Always up for a challenge Flanders agreed.
He went into the driveway to finish about a quart of whip by himself. Though most of us though he would die, some of the players who were also paramedics told us theyd take care of him. He did finish, though he projectile vomited halfway through before continuing. What ensued, was some of the drunkest mayhem in which the kid has ever partaken, complete with the general plethora of swears that accompanies any flanders drinking binge. When someone commented that flanders resembles jesus with his beard, he ripped his shirt off and started swinging it over his head screaming, "I'm Jesus F_cking Christ. Worship me." this proceeded for about five minutes before we could calm him down. Afterwards he proceeded to attempt to play flipcup. after spilling nearly a half dozen beers, hugging everyone in the room, screaming another handful of swears (He called one girl a string of swears a dozen words long that contained six f_cks), flanders finally passed out in a heap where he proceed to be drawn on. What a way for the kid to end his semester. But now that his work is diminished the next semester is even more entertaining.
stay tuned for Newmans Day
EFFFman